This post was written by one of our Student Mental Health Ambassadors, sharing their personal experience with mental health. They've chosen to remain anonymous.
What I remember most is standing in the bathroom, staring at the black and white tiles, focusing on the music coming from beyond the door. The room was tilting downwards, even though I was standing stiff, trying to distract myself. I felt like I was falling, and that I would never stop falling. After five minutes, it would get better if I focused on the tiles, but if I stopped, it got stronger. I was in a full-blown panic.
When I went outside to sit at the restaurant table with my family, my hands were shaking so hard, I could barely eat. I asked my parents if I could go to the car; I couldn’t stand to sit there. As we drove home, the sensation of falling forward didn’t stop, though I was sitting down. My hands were cold with sweat, and I was still shaking. When I got home, my heart wouldn’t stop palpitating. The shaking still had not stopped. Somehow, I fell asleep, and I woke up the next day thoroughly shaken. This was my first anxiety attack.
As I recovered psychologically from this, the hardest struggle I had was reconciling with the overwhelming lack of control that I had felt during the attack. For months afterward, I would dread going to any type of restaurant, and if I could, I would use homework or sickness as an excuse to stay at home. Once I was in a restaurant, it was like my body automatically forced itself into overdrive, and I wouldn’t be able to stop the thoughts from forming. What if this never stops? What if this is just the way it’ll be from now on?
My anxiety was controlling me. Instead of focusing on the time I spent with my family and friends, the only thing I could think about was not melting down at the table. I knew any thought process I created in my head would be overwhelmed by what if’s in another anxiety attack. So I went to my school social worker for strategies and a reassuring outside opinion. She showed me an exercise called color breathing. When I inhaled, she told me to pretend like the air was pure light. When I exhaled, she said to pretend like the air was smokey and ashy, filled with negativity and anxiety. Most importantly, every inhale would need to be around 5 seconds, and every exhale would be 7 seconds.
It’s been a couple of years since this happened. After meeting with my social worker, I used color breathing whenever I felt a rising sense of panic sitting in a restaurant. Occasionally, there would be times when I just couldn’t focus on my breathing, and my panic would arise. I learned that breathing itself wouldn’t solely be helpful during an anxiety attack. It was really about distracting my body, reducing my physiological responses and adrenaline by directing my thoughts elsewhere. If working on my breathing didn’t work, I’d focus on the taste and texture of my food, or I’d listen to the conversations my family or friends were having. When my body focused on these things, I would calm down without even noticing.
Although it is very rare nowadays, I sometimes do feel that panic rising when I’m outside, eating in a restaurant. But I am in control of the situation, and I know I can reduce my response to my panic. It is somewhat cliche, but everyone truly has a different way of coping with their anxiety. Even mine is imperfect. I hope by sharing this, it will help anyone who still struggles. If you are one of those people, don’t worry! You’ll get to a point where you feel like you’ve conquered it, and when you get there, I promise that it will feel worth it.
Of course, not everyone would have access to an understanding counselor or reliable adult figure, nor do they have the time to find one. Without these resources, it is difficult to find techniques that may help, let alone find a way to cope with anxiety. Neolth was the perfect compromise for me, as I could make time in my busy schedule for some mindfulness exercises. Neolth’s forums also offered comforting places of solidarity, where I could find my voice in other people’s stories. Rather than waiting until I had an appointment with my counselor, I could nurture my mental health independently, 24/7. Ultimately, Neolth helped me get past the last hurdle, from thinking about my anxiety constantly to coming into control of my fear.
About Neolth
At Neolth, we’re on a mission to help students stress less, build resilience and become part of our compassionate community. Our app helps students when they're feeling overwhelmed with self-guided content, including breathing exercises like the one mentioned in this article, personalized for their mental health journey. Neolth has a growing community of Student Ambassadors from 170 schools and works with schools to improve access to mental health support for their students. The company has won multiple awards for its app, including the 2020 Startup of the Year EdTech Award and the 2021 Tech for Good Timmy Award, San Francisco finalist. You can learn more at neolth.com
