If you had asked the freshly 15-year-old me to find the vertex of a quadratic function, I might look at you like you had two heads, but if you asked me to estimate the calories of a 16oz steak from any restaurant, I could provide you with an answer worth your satisfaction. As a girl in grade 10, I became a human calculator when it came to calorie counting. Thanks to anorexia, it was like there was an algorithm placed in my head, a sensor in place of my brain, unreactive and numb to every other stimuli, but fired and overworking at the site or sound of food - for the wrong reason. To this adolescent me, food was no longer fuel, it was something I was scared of.
Many of those around me believed that anorexia meant that I never get hungry and I never want to eat. Someone had even told me once before that they wish they had anorexia because then they would become skinny without trying, which was extremely triggering. But the truth is that I (and many other ED survivors) love food. I would often spend hours watching videos of people making or eating lots and lots of food, thinking that this would help me feel full. Food would be the only thing I can think of in class, at home, and even in my sleep. But even so, I starved myself until I felt like I looked pretty enough and whenever I thought I found a flaw in my body, I would not eat until I felt that it was gone. Looking back on it, I can see how twisted my mindset was.
The truth was, I knew that in the long term, this lifestyle was not sustainable and I started to realize that restricting calories and skipping meals was not healthy. However, I simply did not want to become better. I thought that gaining back weight would mean that my friend’s comments about me being “so fit” would no longer apply, and all my hard work went to waste. I somehow felt that keeping up with my extremely skinny self was not just for myself, but for those around me too. I also enjoyed, in a sick way, the euphoric feeling of being hungry until I felt like fainting.
That being said, my recovery journey began when I realized I was so hungry I had trouble completing school work. I started to register how my ED could ruin my future, my health and ultimate success in life. Thus, I made the decision to start eating again. More. Better. Freely. At first it was so difficult, the waking up feeling and physically looking heavier, the inability to feel my collarbones after a while, it was hard to accept. Some of those around me also pointed out how I gained weight and those comments caused me to relapse multiple times. Eventually, though, I began to accept my natural body and focus more on my life rather than body. My best friend was also there supporting me, and telling me I was beautiful no matter my weight. Nevertheless, there were still moments of hesitation, moments when the instant calculator implanted inside my head would fire up, but I kept working to shut it down. I found that if I interrupted the calculator, it couldn’t count it out, and that was helpful for me. As I rediscovered myself and my purpose, I also began to open up to my parents and school counselor for help, and they always welcomed me with open arms, and I never once felt judged. I found that speaking out and expressing my struggles instead of suppressing them helped me with bettering my thinking and attitude.
I would like to say that I am fully recovered, but anorexic thoughts still cross my mind at times. However, food and calories no longer define me. I am still improving, and that is completely okay, because as long as I am willing to keep advancing, I will continuously become better. I look forward to a day in the near future where I will be able to completely return to the 13 year old, food loving teenage self.
I hope that sharing my story can inspire others with EDs to recover and let them know that they aren’t alone, or teach readers one fact or two on anorexia. Of course, my story is not representative of everyone’s, but I feel some aspects may be relatable to many. And lastly I want to remind those trying to recover that sometimes this isn’t a task meant to be carried out alone, and that it is totally okay to reach out for help.
If you or someone you know is experiencing an eating disorder, help, hope, and support are available!
The National Alliance for Eating Disorders provides a free therapist-staffed helpline and interactive online referral database, as well as many free, weekly, therapist-led (virtual and in-person) support groups.
- Call: 866.662.1235
- Text: ALLIANCE to 741-741
